How To Discuss Childhood Sexual Abuse with Your Partner
We often deal with couples coming to therapy because of a disconnect between them and their partners. This could be emotionally, physically or sexually. Individuals that have been victims of childhood sexual abuse might not desire sexual intimacy and connection in the same way their partner does. This disconnect stems from both partners not understanding the root of the problem or influence childhood trauma and abuse could have on adult relationships.
In this article, we’d like to take a look at how you can deal with your history of sexual abuse within the relationship. Learning how to communicate our fears, vulnerabilities and pain could help us start our journey towards healing.
When You’ve Suffered Childhood Sexual Abuse
If your first sexual experience has been with a child predator, even if they were the same age as you, it could lead you to think that you’ve done something wrong. Hereafter, it would be tricky to understand sex as something to be enjoyed and to feel empowered or liberated.
Your readiness to share your history of sexual abuse with your partner would also depend on whether you’ve previously received support or not. Many times children would mention the abuse to their parents, but their caregivers might not believe them or ignore the situation because of guilt and shame. This could lead the victim to thinking they will not receive support or validation from others and they could choose to keep it a secret of their partner as well.
When our caregivers reject us or are unresponsive to our needs, we may develop an insecure-avoidant or dismissive-avoidant attachment style. - Psychology Today
Your partner might say hurtful things that could add to the trauma initially experienced, but it’s also understandable that they might be experiencing a level of rejection within the relationship. Maybe some of these statements sound familiar:
I don’t understand, I’m not the one abusing her and that was in her past. She can trust me.
She is using her past as an excuse to not have sex with me.
It feels like it’s suddenly an issue, we’ve had great sex when we started dating
The way she physically rejects me makes me feel like a pervert and like she sees me as an abuser, but I’m just trying to connect with my wife/husband.
We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of our partners, and this includes assuming that they know what is bothering us and how to help us. Learning to communicate your needs can go a long way with building the trust and connection within the relationship.
If you are unsure of how to discuss your trauma with your partner, it might be best to seek out a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse and trauma. They will be able to guide you through the process and give advice that suits your particular, unique relationship.
After you’ve explained your past experiences to your partner, you could tell them which situations you find triggering and what would be the best way for them to approach intimacy. You could also find ways in which to connect that makes you feel more comfortable and try and build from there.
Keep in mind that your partner also wants to feel special and desired, so be sure to compliment them on everything they are doing right that makes you feel safe and comfortable.